i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
