R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dignity is for republicans.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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