She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
