Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
