I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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