I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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