Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
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what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
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That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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