how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
