i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
