So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
