I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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