so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
