$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We are all done wearing pants today
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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