I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
