My Higher Power is John Stamos
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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