I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
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But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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