stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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