Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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