I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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