I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
