rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
