it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
