I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
