Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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