hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
