If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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