plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize