you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
