Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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