I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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