Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
