Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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