kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
