shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
