i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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