I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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