Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
