don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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