I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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