Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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