How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
