i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
