"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
