It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
