i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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