you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
