She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
she told me i tasted like america
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
