i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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