saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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