I want to have your abortion
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
