Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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