My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
