I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
