i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
