im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize