somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
