is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
