peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We left the knife in your bed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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